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Day One
To my only beloved dear
Josette,
Thank you for the lovely
partridge in the pear tree. I wrung its little neck and drank the
blood. What a delightful treat from my cherished one. I gave the
pear tree to Ben Stokes and he planted it for me as a symbol of
our true love and devotion. Alas, I cannot bear the sun light but
the tree can. As the tree grows, so will my love for you, my darling
Josette. Forever, your loving
Barnabas
Day Two
To my beloved and sweet
Josette,
What a lovely thought! Two
turtle doves. I take it one represents you and the other me. They
made such a sweet couple -- like us. I say 'made' because I got
hungry. They were much better than the partridge because there was
more blood. As always loving
you, Barnabas
Day Three
To my wonderful Josette,
I cannot wait for you to
arrive but until then I have these three French hens. How considerate
of you to realize that I do miss French wines and to send a French
replacement. I named them breakfast, lunch and dinner. Thanking
you again. Your loving Barnabas
Day Four
Dear Josette,
More birds? The past birds
were delightful gifts but these calling birds are a bit loud. Every
time I went to nibble on one of them they'd all begin calling for
help. Poor Ben has been run ragged answering the calls of those
silly birds. However I was able to quiet them and their blood was
delicious. Can't wait to see you! Love,
Barnabas
Day Five
My wonderful Josette!
Finally! Something as beautiful
and pure as you, my beloved. The five golden rings were a wonderful
gift. I was able to use them in Collinsport. I traded them with
the ladies at the Blue Whale for a pint or two. You have truly restored
my holiday spirits and I am counting the hours until we are together.
All of my love and devotion,
Barnabas
Day Six
Dear Josette,
What? Back to the birds again?!
Six geese? Granted, they would be a wonderful supply of blood if
I could catch the blasted things. They keep attacking Ben and me
and their beaks are very hard. They hurt when they nip at you and
their honking is driving everyone at Collinwood insane. And, their
droppings are very slick. Some fool governess slipped on some goose
droppings, hit her head, and now claims to be from the twentieth
century. I had an unpleasant experience because of my exposure to
the birds. Last night, instead of turning into a bat, I turned into
a buzzard! Please, Josette, for the sake of the love we share, no
more birds! Love, Barnabas
Day Seven
Dear Josette,
OK, maybe the mail is slow
where you are and you didn't receive my mail about the birds. Please!
No more birds. I am beginning to spit feathers. The seven swans
are pretty but they are loud. Between my Aunt Abigail, the swans
and the geese, there is no peace to be found in Collinwood or Collinsport.
Granted, the swans do have longer necks, which is great for snacks,
but you could have sent the mute swans. These seven make just as
much noise as those geese. And they poop just as much, if not more,
than the geese. Naomi, my mother, is fit to be tied and father is
thinking about building a sanitarium just to have some place to
send her. Ben is tired of trying to corral these birds and has told
the local hunters they could use them for target practice. I
am going to my coffin for a little peace and quiet. I'll write more
later -- maybe!
Barnabas
Day Eight
Dear Josette,
Ah! This is more like it!
Eight maids a-milking. A fresh supply of blood for me and milk for
Ben and the family. How sweet to send a lovely lady for every day
of the week and a spare. This is more like it! I love you! I love
you! I love you! (Ben sends his thanks.) Your
most ardent and devoted love, Barnabas
Day Nine
Dear Josette,
Nine ladies dancing! How
superb! I shall never run out of blood. You are so sweet! Father
has sent Mother and Aunt Abigail away. He is spending more time
here at the Old House with the seventeen women here. He has them
during the day and I get them at night for a snack. Worry not, my
Josette! You are number one in my heart. Love
eternally, Barnabas
Day Ten
Dear Josette,
My poor beloved! Were you
worried about my fidelity to you and that is why you sent the tens
lords? Worry not, my sweet Josette, and send more women. Father
is having the time of his life and I have never eaten better. Eternally
yours, Barnabas
Day Eleven
Dear Josette,
Did I not tell you not to
worry? Then what is with the pipers piping? They make a great deal
of noise, which upsets the cows. When cows are upset they stop giving
milk and get diarrhoea. Father is greatly upset because the women
prefer the young lords and pipers to him. What upsets him the most
is that the lords and pipers prefer Father to the women. Barnabas.
Day Twelve
OK Jo!
I thought you said you had
forgiven my little indiscretion with Angelique! What the hell is
wrong with you? Twelve drummers drumming! Ben Stokes up and quit
when they arrived. But before he left, he chopped down that pear
tree and told me, in no uncertain terms, just where I could plant
it. Now who is going to wake me up at night? The Old House barn
just isn't big enough for the eight cows. The cows have eaten all
of the grass around both houses and are now headed for the butchers.
They poop too much. Those damned waterfowl have ruined the ponds
and fountain around here. A person can't take a moonlit stroll because
of all of the bird and beast droppings. And the seventeen women
who are always pissed off. The maids don't like the ladies having
better clothes they are constantly vying for the attention of all
of the leaping lords. Speaking of leaping lords -- they have jumped
over all of the furniture and have broken several priceless antiques.
Those blasted pipers and drummers have started a band and practice
all of the damned time. There is no peace around here. I had to
have my coffin sound proofed. Therefore, I am not your true love
anymore. Phooey on you and your beauty. You whine too much anyway.
I am going back to Angelique. She gave me eternal life. You send
me livestock, bitchy women and sissy boys for Christmas. Catch
you later! Barnabas
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